This weekend E & I are going out of town to celebrate his birthday. We are going to a theme park and are going to be staying overnight in a hotel 5 hours away. I’m SO excited to celebrate with just my husband and I sans kids, however, this will be the first time I’ve left Knox overnight. Ben’s stayed overnight before (although never more than 5 hours away), and I know in my head that everything will be just fine. However my heart is anxious. I’m sure every mother goes through this when their child stays the night away for the first time. And their in the best of hands–my parents. Still the separation anxiety is there. I feel like I need to be there to protect them at all times, that if I’m too far away they won’t be safe. And just what if something happened? Would I ever forgive myself? I know those questions are silly. I can’t life my life like that– dwelling on what-ifs and trying to be in control of their safety and well-being. That’s not how it works. It’s not how its supposed to work. We’re supposed to live in faith & peace. Ever since my father died, living in fear has been a life-long battle. He was killed suddenly and abruptly in a snowmobile accident, so I have a very real reminder that bad things can and do happen…and I can’t control it no matter how hard I try.
So I just ask God to give me a ‘peace that surpasses all understanding that it may guard my heart & mind in Christ Jesus’ (Phil 4:7)
I heard a saying that says “You bring your own weather to the picnic”. Will I bring the rain or the sunshine? Will I see the positive or the negative? I’ve made it my mandate to always try to see the positive in every situation, yet without neglecting my true feelings. Feelings lie sometimes, huh? Grief changes your perspective. You don’t get over it. Getting over it is an inappropriate goal. An unreasonable hope. The loss of a parent at a young age changes you. It changes your perspective. It changes the way birds sing. It changes the way the sun rises and sets. You are forever different.
You don’t get over it, but you get on with it. And I’m moving on. It’s been many many years since my father passed, and while I view life through a different lens because of my grief, I choose to bring the sunshine. I’ve lived in rain for far too long. It’s time for some sunshine.
And this weekend there will be sunshine. I’m still anxious about leaving my kids, but I’m even more excited to spend quality and needed time with my husband. To not have to worry about changing diapers, feedings, potty accidents, spills, or midnight wakings. I’m excited about putting on a dress and heels knowing I’ll make it through the night without getting spit up on or snot wiped on me. I know that I need this, and our marriage will benefit from it.
So yes, I’m anxious, but I’m MORE excited!
Something to think about: